You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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