I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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