well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
