you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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