Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
