his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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