So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
