I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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