If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
