you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
