god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In other news, I just burned my penis
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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