i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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