i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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