Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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