That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
