i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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