Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
