just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
