you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I am naked and annoyed.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
