we're chasing vodka with high fives
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
