Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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