Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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