shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
