i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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