I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
