So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
