Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
These tits shall not be calmed
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
