SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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