I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
