i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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