Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Are my feet made of real feet?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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