The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
All the doctor said was why
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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