I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
