sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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