Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
