He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
