i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
why is half of my head shaved?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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