he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
