My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
