i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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