Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Randomize
