Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
