I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
