They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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