dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
People in love make me want to vomit
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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