Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
