I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
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