Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
