I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
