dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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