Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
