I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
